Transforming Shame and Guilt
Identify the issue or situation
To recognize this situation with thoughts, images, sensations, and feelings. Identifying how I usually react to it is important for the first step in self-forgiveness
Name the situation: _____________________________________________________________
Regrets that I have: _____________________________________________________________
I wish that I could change: _____________________________________________________________
If I could go back in time, what I would do: _____________________________________________________________
My usual reaction to this is: _____________________________________________________________
Shame holds us back from moving forward with our goals in life. Shame causes us to reflect on our past and dwell on it. Shame can become a teacher if we no longer feel the guilt of the past. Realizing our thinking and behavioral patterns is important to work through shame and guilt. This involves listening to the negative thoughts that we have and trying to identify the thought distortions that come when we are depressed, anxious, tired, irritated, and feel stress or fear. Difficult emotions can amplify negative thoughts. To hear the negative thoughts that we have in our minds, we must learn to quiet our minds and slow down the negative thoughts. Practicing mindfulness exercises helps us hear our negative thoughtsand understand them.
Inventions like the telephone would not have been created without people making mistakes. Past issues and behaviors can become lessons for us to learn, accept different parts of ourselves, and change those parts of ourselves. There are wonderful things that can come from making a mistake. There are growth opportunities. Sometimes we cannot see the benefit of a difficult situation until more time has passed. We can grow from difficult, abusive, neglectful, and negative experiences in our lives. It does not make it right to be abusive or neglectful to someone else.
Forgiveness does not mean that the abuser was correct in what was done. We try to break free of those past behaviors that we found to be unhelpful, destructive, or harmful. We try to create a new life, free of past harmful behaviors, and create one that has respect for ourselves and others.
Shame can become a teacher, but first, we must sit with the feelings and understand all of the difficulties that we had. Shame can cause people to avoid pain and suffering, so they turn to drinking or abusing drugs to drown out the past. This does not work in the long term. Shame and guilt catch up to us. We have to face the shame and allow ourselves to learn from past regrets by acknowledging it. Past issues and behaviors can become lessons that can change our lives. This involves accepting different parts of us and making changes to those parts of ourselves.
There is a difference between shame and guilt. Shame is a long-term belief that one is bad to the core. Shame takes years of work to disappear from our lives. Guilt is a shorter-term belief, and a person can make changes to remedy the situation. Guilt can go away and disappear faster than shame.
Shame Guilt
Longer- term time period Shorter-term time period_______
The way that I was born An act, or something that I did, or was doing
I am bad I have made bad decisions
I am a mistake I made a mistake
I am unworthy I feel unworthy
I am defective I feel defective
I am unlovable I feel left out and that no one loves me
I am a freak or stigmatized I feel alienated from others
negative self-identity thoughts and feelings come and go
anhedonia / self-hate I have negative thoughts
haunting, experiences from abuse Recognize the need for therapy
lack of self-validation Try to process and validate feelings
hopelessness Try to find hope
unable to make changes Try to make changes in behaviors
failure to be things in life Failure to do things in life
fear of abandonment Fear of punishment
bothered by what I have not done Bothered by what I did, that was wrong
feel ashamed of oneself Feel remorse for an action
negative feelings, messages, thoughts Negative messages, thoughts, and feelings
feelings continuously bad Feelings are considered and questioned
wanting to hide or isolate The ability to process feelings with others
not wanting to communicate with others Questioning oneself, talking to others
regret, something beyond one’s power Repent to remedy or change
deep sorrow Able to resolve over time
Shame – Observe Myself
Shame is a feeling that can endure for years. It can create other feelings that influence our behaviors or actions. From shame come negative and destructive thoughts. The interaction of thoughts, feelings, and actions can start PTSD triggers, flashbacks, and nightmares. The presence of shame and PTSD memories can trigger psychosis symptoms. This happens when a person is working through past traumatic memories. Psychosis symptoms can vary in each group member.
It can start as early as childhood and can continue into adulthood. When this feeling is kept inside for years, it develops a life of its own. Shame becomes part of a person, and familiar patterns of behaviors are the easiest to replicate. These patterns of behavior may not be healthy and can lead to repeating abusive relationships that mimic the troubled relationships that started the feeling of shame in childhood.
Shame needs to be recognized for what it is. How we experience shame, define it, and how it appears in our lives shapes our attitudes and values. It’s helpful to understand when and how it started. Acknowledging it in our everyday life can help us understand it. Shame can take on a life of its own and be present in relationships when we don’t expect it.
For some, shame has been present in their lives and it affects their values, for good or bad. This does not mean that we need to keep this as a value, we can choose to change it. We can choose to change our actions and create new relationships. This involves finding new values, new thoughts, and healthier emotions.
Shame is often brought on by someone else. We chose to accept this message, and this was at a young age. Children and young adults are sensitive to parents, authority figures, teachers, or coaches. When this message was accepted in our lives, we were more vulnerable to accepting shame, because it seemed right.
Now that we are older and more experienced, we can choose to release, let go, and not allow shame in our lives. We can re-define the message from shame. We have the ability to change our behaviors. Shame may be brought on by an abusive person, whether verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse.
Questions for Shame:
Around what age did I first feel ashamed? _____________________________________________________________
How did the shame affect my relationships with others? _____________________________________________________________
What behaviors did I do because of the shame? _____________________________________________________________
If the perpetrator is not a safe person, work with a therapist to determine how to keep yourself safe from that person. Working with a therapist is one way to build safe and supportive relationships. Sometimes this means finding a substitute family and celebrating holidays or birthdays with people who are sober and safe.
Facts about Shame:
The group discussed how shame is associated with childhood views that continued into adulthood. They discussed how they believed these false insulting messages from family, relatives, or other adults. They realized the messages from shame were false and they could reject them.
The group talked about past messages and how long they lived with guilt and shame. Participants felt relieved to hear that others had the same horrible messages. The common humanity concept and self-kindness were used to neutralize the intensity of feelings.
Using self-compassion, the group applied self-kindness, which calls for patience. The group reminded others that they did the best they could at the time with what information they had. Group discussion centered on change. Members were not the same person as we were in the past. They have grown and learned thousands of things since the situation in the past. Self-compassion does not apply blame. The group emphasized not blaming yourself for something that happened in the past. This may take work with a therapist around acceptance. Try to work on releasing the emotional pain, little by little, until much of it is gone.
Whatever we decide, the result is up to us. Whether or not to accept shame into our lives is our decision. We can accept insults from others, or not, and change our opinion of other people’s statements. We can ignore insults, and find more supportive friends or family members, if needed.
The group decided to consider this: I no longer accept shame for this issue, since I was…
Unknowing
Inexperienced
A child
A dependent
A victim of random violence
In the wrong place
Neglected
Not sober when it happened
Others took advantage of me
We can choose to release the shame, let it go, and move on to a new chapter in our lives. This involves creating safe relationships, leaving dangerous, abusive relationships behind, and not going back. Sometimes this means creating a new set of friends, or a substitute family. This involves inner courage and a period of exploration. A person needs bravery, curiosity, and desire to complete this journey.
Sufficiency is Just Enough I am Inadequate and Feel UnworthyI am a wonderful friend. I don’t have much to offer.
I am open to new situations. I am afraid of social events.
I am curious to learn new things. I don’t want to change.
I am a son, daughter, parent, grandparents, aunt, uncle, neighbor, friend, partner, co-worker, member, voter _____________________________________________________________
What would I like to have? _____________________________________________________________
Who are my supportive people? _____________________________________________________________
Visualize what you want in your future __________________________________
What is something that you would like to have in your life?
Find a picture or an object that represents this. Describe it:
Write about it or make a collage of what you would like in your life
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